Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
#StillHurts
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops