Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.