@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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@jctwritesstuff: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Was it the air guitar? Cop: *shy* Yeah can... can I get your autograph? Me: Happens all the time. Cop: Thanks! Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
@LifeUnPinterest: Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler's footie jammies and am comforted to know she'll do well in prison.
@jordan_stratton: *makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant* Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.