@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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@Playing_Dad: Welcome to passive aggressive club. We're so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.
@Quartzjixler: I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
@Sickayduh: "The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-" "Juror is dismissed"