@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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@GoldenSpirals: Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt? *Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
@DanielEdison_: "People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them" "By mistake?" "Not you as well".
@salmarch79: Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
@BlindChow: GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet! WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates GOD: um ok *dinos die, man appears* GOD: wtf