Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.