Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart