Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.