Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?