Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
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society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.