Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Realize this:
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.