{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.