{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Cheers Twitter.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
#Caturday
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me