Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Many hands make light work
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?