Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.