Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now