[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17