Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.