I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
You Might Also Like
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!