restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong