I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Those are good neighbors.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
when you are just born a rebel
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”