Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.