[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
You Might Also Like
Potatoes were such a good idea
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.