Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Clients after you give them your rates
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.