Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
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[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.