[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined