If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2