[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
*praying for world peace*
God:
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The cashier just checked me out.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?