Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
