this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Help Wanted
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
❤️❤️❤️
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.