[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.