[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
…..pretty much.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn鈥檛
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Welcome to your 40鈥檚. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Hello Twits.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I just told my kids they鈥檒l never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
3: I DON鈥橳 NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can鈥檛 drink inside the grocery store
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren鈥檛 we supposed to eat fish?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄