[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*