[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]