@mrtruthandsoul: Boss: You're not fired but we're taking away all your responsibilities. Me: Cool, a promotion! Boss: No-- Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

@vexroid: I was voted "most friendly" at my high school in 10th grade. It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.

@cbme69: [Leaving ballgame] Officer: have you been drinking? Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can't afford to get drunk there.

@WowItsStephen: "I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

@Kyle_Lippert: I'm having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.