@pattonoswalt: Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you're Iron Man. What could it hurt?
@samalmightysam: Never marry a girl whose mother's name is Hope.... because 'Hope' never dies.
@Xoolun: Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again
@bobvulfov: [cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer
@leshnevsky: Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
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