[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
What in the hipster hell is going on here