[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
tis the season
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I came this close!!!!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.