[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You Might Also Like
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years