[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic