[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You Might Also Like
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.