[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.