[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Good point.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.