[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it