“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude