[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.