[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
She puts the hot in psychotic
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Only a mother’s love …
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻