[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.