[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
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Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Remember folks 😂
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.