I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
FINE, I WON’T.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.