@ingmarbirdman: space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time

@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.

@4handfuls: Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house...

@awkwardphilippe: That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

@ArfMeasures: SON: What's a sex tape? ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they S: No M: No? S: Dad. I know what sex is. What's a tape?