[Restaurant] Waiter: Compliments of the chef. *He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words 'You're beautiful' pour out*

@SonOfCha: Nice tan. I'm guessing your mother is white & your father's a sweet potato?

@TitansHomer: My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone

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@carlyken: I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza. I've narrowed it down to: Pizza Farmer Pizza Hunter Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

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@Jay16282: "There's a sleeping person. Let's go ask them questions." – all children

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@Donna_McCoy: I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

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