[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!