[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.