Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
we all know this pain all too well
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more